


How we got to where we're going

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Kane (Band), Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Angst, BDSM, Drama, First Time, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Kinks, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-12
Updated: 2009-04-03
Packaged: 2018-09-03 10:18:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8708668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Life is all about the ups, and down. It’s also about grabbing happiness when and how you can.(Older Jared younger Jensen).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

Title: How we got to where we're going

Chapter:1/?

Author: Illyrya

Word Count: 1225

Rating: k-NC-17

Pairings/Characters: Jared/other, Jared/OMC, OMC/Jensen, other/Jensen, Jared/Jensen, Chris/Steve, JDM/?, ....

Warning: This fic will deal with, abuse (both physical and mental), domestic discipline, D/s, power exchange, dark themes and more. Also if you are looking, for a fic that is all about sex, this is not the one. There will be sex, but I'm more interested in writing about the relationships. I'm not a native speaker, so forgive any mistakes, since I have no beta. 

Summary: Life is all about the ups, and down. It’s also about grabbing happiness when and how you can.(Older Jared younger Jensen).

Disclaimer: The boys own themselves, me nothing.

 

 

Life was hard, and even thought it made, him sound like a fortune cookie, it was the truth. As he stood on the bridge, he realizes that after a lifetime of trying to please, everybody, he had never been enough for them. His mother had left when he was younger, leaving an angry father behind. One that blame Jensen, for her departure. Maybe it was because he looks like her, or maybe, it was because she had loved him more than his father, or maybe it was for no other reason, than the fact that he was alive, that his father hated him. But none of that really matter, because after today, he would never impose himself on anybody. After today, he would no longer bother his older brother, he would no longer, make his sister worry for him, after today he would no longer shame his father. After today Jason would be free, to find a lover, that could give him, everything he couldn't. He would find a lover, who wasn't as needy, as he was, who didn't need for the other person to take control of his life. One that wasn't as screw-up as he was, one that didn't need anti-anxiety meds, and anti-depressive, just to get trough the day, he would find somebody normal, worthy of the love Jason had to give. Thinking about freeing Jason, of the burden he was, made him think about how they had meet.

 

 

Three years earlier:

 

After a long school year, the summer was finally here, and for the first time since, his mother left Jensen was glad for it. The school was offering summer internship, in different offices trough out the city, and he had managed to get selected, to work in one. His friend tough that he was crazy, for wanting to work during the summer, especially since he wasn't doing it for the money. no his father may not love him, but appearances were everything, and a rich father was supposed to provide everything for his son, failure to do that, would mean that his public persona would suffer. No, his job had nothing to do with money, and everything to do with avoiding one of his father's speeches about how, he was an embarrassment to his family. His first week passed without nothing to write home. He figure that, the job would continue to be boring until he meet him, Jason. Jason was younger than most of the people that work at the office. He didn't work for the government but, the architecture, work for a firm, that was doing some jobs for the city, which meant that Jason spend a lot of time, in the mayor's office. They meet by accident Jason was talking on his cell phone and not looking where he was going, and he was caring a stack of paper as high as his head, collision was inevitable, and embarrassing. After apologising for what seem like an hour, Jason said that it was fine, but that if he felt the need to make it up, to him, he could meet him for an afternoon coffee. Jensen agreed. 

 

That summer nothing more than friendship happened between them, but it made Jensen realise that he like boys better than he like girls. After the summer they keep talking, and had a few meetings, but every attempt Jensen made at starting something with Jason, had been refuse, with the excuse that Jensen was too young and if anybody caught them, Jason would get in trouble. Jensen had believed him. It wasn't until he was eighteen that Jason had decided he was old enough to date. At first everything had been perfect, it was a dream come true. Even after his father had found out, and throw him out, he was still glad that he had meet Jason. Soon things started to change, Jensen may had been older, but after meeting Jason, he had refuse, to date anybody else, the man told him to, that it would not bother him, Jensen said that he didn't need to, not when he had Jason, and that he would wait for the right time. Of course, it didn't mean that he didn't look, that he wasn't curious, but somehow, the thought that he was doing this for Jason, filled him, with an unknown happiness, it also left him, feeling things that he couldn't explain, and with questions that he could not answer. One day he decided to ask Jason, about his feelings, about wanting somebody to take care of him, about wanting to belong to someone, he had always been responsible for himself, and he was tired of it, he wanted somebody else, to do it. Jason had been happy, he had told Jensen, that he had known, from the beginning, that such a pretty boy like him had been made to be on his knees, and that Jason would give him, what he wanted, if only he trusted him. He had said yes, that he trusted Jason, and that if the man was willing to do this. Jensen hadn't question anything the man had told him, about how things were done, and what his place was, and in the beginning everything had been wonderful, a dream come true. Then thing started happening, Jason started changing, he went from loving and caring, to hurtful and tough less. Nothing Jensen did was enough, nothing was right. He started demanding things Jensen wasn't ready to give, and each disobedience was meet with a painful punishment. After a while he got used to it, he figured that it was his own fault, for not being everything that Jason needed. Until one night Jason had beaten him so hard, he was afraid he was going to die, and in a moment of weakness, called his brother for help. The man had come, and taken him to the hospital, where he woke up up a week later. After that it was back to living with his father, and while the man never put a finger on him, but his words had become meaner, more hateful, and harmful, and no amount of therapy and pills, would get him out of the dark void, he found himself in. 

 

His thoughts only served to make him more determinate to do this, Nicki appeared beside him,

 

"Let's go to California" she said

 

"What?"

 

"California, you know the place we wanted to go since we hit puberty" when he said nothing she continued

 

"listen Jen, I know that you are a drama queen, and that life right now is being a bitch, but I have two tickers that would be a shame to waste them, and your packs on my car. So what do you say if we get to the airport and postpone this whole, suicide thing. Besides you can kill yourself in California just as easily, as here." Jensen knew that she wasn't dismissing the situation and the if he choose to look at her, he would see the worry and panic in her face. Taking a deep breath he step back, realising that she was right, he could kill himself in California as well as here, but going with her, right this moment would give her the chance to say she tried. He would give her that, if nothing else he owned her a chance. 

 

TBC?

 

A/N: First time writing a RPS fic, tell me if you like it. I haven't decided if this is going to be a one shot or not. I guess it depends if anybody wants to read more.


	2. Chapter 2

  
Author's notes: Beta work done by Kate.  


* * *

Disclaimer: The boys own themselves, me nothing.

 

Jared’s life had been designed and laid out way before he had been born. In fact there were days where he swore that if he went through his parents things, he would find flow charts, plans, and possibilities for every minute of his life. Don't get him wrong, he loved his parents and he knew that they loved him. He also knew that if it hadn't been for their pushing, he would have never become the hot shot lawyer that he was at 25, for them his life, or at least his love life would have been very different.

 

Sometimes he felt guilty for thinking that. After all, it wasn't as if he was with a horrible person. Sandy just...-wasn't everything he wanted. She was nice, beautiful, spirited, and faithful, but even with all her good qualities she couldn't give him the type of relationship he wanted. The type of relationship he needed. She wasn't a sub, she hated the lifestyle. And no amount of explanations, information, or demonstrations, would get her to change her mind, or to at least explore the possibility. Instead she took every opportunity she had to remind him of that fact. She told him he should be happy that she had come into his life, and saved him from the depravity, and sinfulness of it all. Because of that, he could never fully love her, but he stayed with her because it made his parents happy. 

 

His life hadn’t always been like this, though. There was a time, when he had been free. Free to be whom he wanted, to be with who he wanted to be, and act like he wanted. He remembered when he was just starting to learn about himself; about his likes and dislikes; about what got him hot and hard in seconds, and what left him cold and empty just as quickly. Most of all, he remembered the two people that changed his life forever. The two people that in uniquely different, ways had shown him what he really wanted. They showed him that happiness wasn’t just some obscure concept the people wrote about. He would always be thankful to Mayra and Andrew; for teaching him how to really live.

 

He met Mayra, when he was in high school. She was a friend of his brother’s, and at first, he had ignored her. Until one day, his brother was running late, Jared was the only one at home to entertain Mayra. He thought about ignoring her, but his parents had raised him better than that. Once they got talking, they found that they had some things in common. A week later, he was losing his virginity to her in his bedroom while his parents ate dinner downstairs. A few days after that, he dragged her to the bathroom and pushed her to her knees. She went down without question or hesitation, and had blew him without caring who might walk in. Not long after that, she had slapped a pair of hand cuff in his hand; telling him that she was his for the night. He had liked it, a lot.

 

The next day Mayra had explained some things to him, and since then life had become clearer. 

 

"Jay, you have all the control because that’s what I want, and that’s what I need. I trust you enough to recognize and respect my boundaries. To know when to push and when to stop. I know that if I have to use my safe word you’ll stop immediately. I also know that it wouldn't make you think any less of me. This is all about taking care of each other’s needs. You like to have control and I like being controlled. I like knowing that if I fall you would catch me. Sure the games and toys are nice, but in the end, we’re just two consenting adults doing what make us happy. There is nothing wrong with that. It may not be some people’s definition of "normal" but if you ask me, our relationship is, more honest and open than, those of many "normal people''."

 

They hadn’t lived together and Mayra had explained that she wasn't a full time sub, which was what he clearly wanted. But they had loved each other, and she always told him that one day he would find what he really wanted, what he really needed. When she transferred to Europe, he had been sad, but not heartbroken. Mayra had been right their relationship was better than a "normal", one because they had defined it from the beginning. So when the time came for her to leave, he was ready and wished her the best.

 

It had been different with Andrew. Jared had set out to find him since the beginning. Well not Andrew specifically, because when he had arrived in California for his freshmen year of college he hadn’t know the man. He had set out to find someone like him, and he searched until he found Andrew. Unlike with Mayra, he and Andrew lived together and Andrew was a full time sub; their roles didn't stop once they were outside the bedroom. They lived the life 24/7. With Andrew, he had learned the difference between a scene Dom and a full time one. He had learned what it really took to keep a balance, to keep everybody happy, and not to abuse his power. He had found the life he wanted with Andrew, and while he knew some of their friends didn't get it, he didn't care. 

 

They had been together until the last year of college. They had been happy, and if he was honest he had planned to spend the rest of his life with Andrew, but then everything went to hell. Andrew’s father was a senator, and rumours of his son’s lifestyle had reached his ears. The man hired a P.I. to follow them and take pictures in order to have something to hold over them. Even thought they were always careful not to make it too obvious, they were caught. The P.I. managed to get the camera footage from one of the clubs they used to frequent. The footage was of Jared sitting on a sofa talking to another person, with Andrew kneeling between his legs, his head resting near Jared’s crotch. Unlike other masters that liked their subs to kneel besides them, he preferred for Andrew kneel between his legs. That way he was capable of keeping a better eye on him; he was easier to reach, and it reminded them both of their roles, places and obligations. 

 

Had that been the only footage, he was sure that they could have passed it off as kids experimenting or as a dare. But it wasn't and there was no way they could have passed the footage of them watching a floorshow. With him sitting on a chair and Andrew on his lap, wearing nothing more than a pair of really short leather pants, his collar that had a chain running from it to his nipple clamps, and from there to the piercing on Andrew's dick. If that hadn't been incriminating enough, then the pictures of him displaying Andrew to everybody around them, and later walking him out of the club without doing his pants and pulling on the chain, closed the deal. In the end they had decided to separate. Neither was ready to lose, their families’ support, and at the time he had been too afraid of living, on what he earned alone, and since at the time he wasn't earning that much that meant saying goodbye to the life to which he was so accustomed. The decision hadn't been that hard. Now he wished that he had thought, about what giving in to what his parents wanted, really meant, and what it would cost him down the road.

 

Sandy had been the answer to his parents’ demands, for a "normal girlfriend". He hated that he had given in to what his parents wanted. He hated the heavy weight of his mother's engagement ring that his father had given him. He knew without a doubt what it meant, and what they wanted him to do. Not for the first time he wondered, if making his parents happy, being “normal” was worth him spending the rest of his life unhappy and unfulfilled.

 

The announcement of the arrival of Sandy's flight brought him out of his memories. He needed to move; Sandy hated when he wasn't there waiting for her to come out. He started walking, not really looking where he was going, until he felt something collide against his chest. Looking down he found himself lost in the greenest eyes he had ever seen. Reaching down to help the young man up, he felt the reawakening of old desires and feelings; it reminded him of the parts of him he had locked away, and it left him feeling unbalanced. He apologized to the boy, who mumbled, "don't worry" never lifting his head to meet Jared’s gaz.

 

Before he could say anything else, a pixie of a girl grabbed onto the man's hand, and dragged away. By the time they faded from view, Sandy was beside him, telling him off for being late and for not being where he was supposed to be. Sometimes life really hated him.

 

Comments are love.

chapter 3


	3. Chapter 3

California was a dream. Well actually it wasn’t California that was the dream, it was living somewhere else that was the dream. But the closer they got to the gate, the more doubts he had, and the louder the voice in his head screamed for him to stop, and not to go any further until he finally couldn’t ignore it anymore and stopped, making Nicki run into his back.

 

“What the—Jen?”

 

“I can’t…I…I can’t leave.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

“What do you mean why? We’re leaving everything we have, everybody we know, behind. We’re going to a place where we have nothing and know nobody, and why? Because I’m a basket case and tried to kill myself. Nicki, I can’t ask you to do this, to leave your life behind for me. I can’t, Nicki. You deserve better.” 

For a moment she stayed quiet, before saying, “You honestly think that I’ve been all noble and am making this huge sacrifice because you’re a moron and I have nothing better to do. Right?”

“Yes?”

 

“Jesus, you really are a moron,” She sighed. “Jen, we’ve been best friends since kindergarten. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you, nothing. Just like I know there is nothing you wouldn’t do for me. But this, what I’m doing right now isn’t not for some noble reason. I’m doing this for myself so don’t go putting me on a pedestal, because the fall is sure to hurt.”

 

“What?”

 

“Jen, it’s always been you and me, always. From putting chewing gum on the teacher’s chair to you letting me sleep in your room when I needed, and lending me money to buy food. So you see, I couldn’t really leave without you. We’re a pair; where one goes, the other follows. I know it won’t always be this way. One day you and I are going to find people that love us and like us for who we are, and if we’re lucky, we’ll get to make a life with them. But until then it’s you and me and I’m grateful for that.”

“Nicki,” he said tearfully.

 

“As for the rest, we’ll figure it out. Now if we’re done with today’s sappy moment, take this.” She handed him two very familiar and much hated pills.

 

“Nicki,” he whined

 

“Listen, I know you hate them, and that they make you groggy, but you’re already panicking and I’m pretty sure that the airport in San Fran is going to be full of people, even if we arrive late at night. Take them now, sleep on the plane, and avoid being banned from ever flying again.”

 

“Fine,” he relented, “but as soon as we get settled I’m finding a new doctor. One that doesn’t put me on so much medication there are days I don’t even remember my own name.” He quickly dry swallowed the pills, and started walking.

 

Nicki didn’t say anything, but she did smile. It was the first time in over a year that Jen showed initiative towards anything. The first time he complained and while she knew they had a long road ahead of them with a lot of ups and downs, at least now they were both walking it, instead of her dragging a reluctant Jen along behind her.

 

The flight to San Fran wasn’t really that lengthy but after the long day she was tired, cranky, and ready to sleep until next week. Of course right now they had no place to sleep, but that was a minor detail, and something to worry about later. Kicking Jensen awake, they waited until the last moment to depart from the plane. She had been right; even close to midnight, the airport was full of people. Mostly they were business people, but people all the same. Following Jensen, because that boy could cut through a crowd better than a knife through butter, they went to retrieve their bags and started to walk out of the airport.

 

They were almost out when it happened. Jensen was an expert on avoiding people—something she found surprising, considering that he never took his eyes off the ground, and for some reason was a people magnet—but there was no way he could avoid colliding with the huge man that was walking so obliviously.

 

For a moment everything around her froze. Then she was moving again trying to get there before the inevitable freak out, but it never came. Instead, Jensen allowed himself to be pulled to his feet by the stranger. He had even talked to him. Sure, he had done it looking at the floor but still. She figured he must have still been high from his meds. She made a tactical decision. Before anything else could happen, she grabbed Jensen by the hand, and without acknowledging the stranger, kept walking, dragging Jensen behind her. She didn’t stop until they were well out of the airport.

 

They got into a cab and told the driver to take them to a cheap motel. They knew it wasn’t perfect and it would be unrealistic to think or even consider living in a motel for a long time, but for the foreseeable future, they needed a place to stay until they found a job and an apartment. They arrived at a seedy looking motel forty-five minutes later. Choosing a room with one bed, because it was cheaper and they really didn’t mind sharing, they got settled.

 

The inside of the room was no better than the outside of the motel. It was dirty, the bed had questionable stains, and she didn’t even want to think about the bathroom It was still better than sleeping in a park, though. She let Jensen take the bathroom first. Once she got back from her shower, she joined him on the bed, where he was already snuggled into it and sleepy. If she was honest, she rather liked him like this. It reminded her of the old Jensen; the one from before everything had gone to hell.

 

“We’re really here,” he said

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You know what we should do?”

 

“You mean besides getting a job and finding some place to live, with less roaches?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“No. What?”

 

“College.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah, I mean we used to talk about it all the time in high school. We had plans, before—well, before.”

 

“What about money?”

 

“What about it?”

 

“Jensen, your father isn’t going to pay for it and I can’t afford to, and unless you are planning on asking Josh to do it, neither can you.”

 

“We so could. We’ll get jobs; we can declared ourselves independent and ask for financial aid. There are scholarships and government aid. We have options, Nicki. You used to say that together, we were unstoppable, that we could do anything we wanted when we put our minds to it. Why is this so different? People do it all the time, and if they can do it, why can’t we? Huh, are we so horrible that we don’t deserve a chance? Are we meant to always be stuck? Because I don’t think so. There used to be a time when getting into college was all you could think and talk about. Don’t let me ruin your dreams. Please, Nicki, tell me you’ll think about it. I know there is a way and we’ll find it, but I can’t do this alone, so please tell me you’ll think about it.” 

 

It hit her then, that this was the second time in so many hours that she had heard Jensen make a plan for the future. Because of that and because of the new hope that was being awakened in her, she had no answer other than, “I’ll think about it.” 

 

 

After that, neither said anything else, and after a while they both fell asleep, waiting to see what tomorrow would bring.


End file.
